What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 01:25
This is soul school!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I waited trembling.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We were not on the streets..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i lived it daily.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why did lobsters evolve bright colors if they are neither poisonous nor venomous?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It was going to be , some day.
She found it foreign!.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was very sick at this time too.
Comes on , in middle age.
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I was scared of men, in general
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Who then, do I blame.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I never cut or harmed myself..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But it wasn’t much.
I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She loved him until the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im still living with it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Would this be the day?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My family never makes their pension either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was seconnd youngest,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He knew the spot.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We all went to grammer schools
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why did i forgive my father ?
I don,t even have a pension.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I write beautiful poetry .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I will be 64.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
What did i know ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot live in the past .
So, i spoilt her more .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ive learnt so much.
But, we were locked up after school.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Put me off passion for life!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My life is so biszare .